Being Strong in Broken Places
Sometimes I get tired of being strong. I get to the point where I break mentally and emotionally but outside I remain “strong” because as a Christian you are told to be “strong, hold on, God will come through.” But I had days where I couldn’t look at my son without crying because my bank account was empty and would remain so until the next paycheck. I had to be strong and decide, do I pay my car note or buy clothes, food and diapers for my son. So I made the strong decision to let my car go. And the morning it was taken away, Oct 3, 2012, I walked past my mom and said nothing. I went up to my room and let tears roll out. All the while, keeping a praise in my mouth and singing “I Surrender All” I was weak but I refused to let my current weakness force me to turn my back and blame and cuss God. I remained strong in my spirit though my flesh and soul were very weak.
You see, to all around me I wasn’t strong. I was weak in that moment. On the outside I had become as weak I had been feeling for almost two years. And for the following days as family members and friends decided to either scold or give me encouraging words. I played back all the times I had a friend go through something and I told them “Be strong, God got you.” Until that moment I never understood the pain in their eyes as I said it, but now I was on the receiving end. I wanted to crumble and let it out that I was not strong. I was not the one holding it together for the past two years. It was not my by strength that I seemingly kept it together. That all the times I had smiled and they saw me praising it wasn’t me. I wasn’t being strong. I wasn’t being “Christian religious strong”. I was being strong by asking God to help me not quit, I was being strong, by asking God to not let my son suffer, I was being strong before God by letting my guard down and being weak inwardly, in the places he could only see.
I learned that being strong hurt, that it makes you beg for God to take your load, it makes you silent before God. Because while the world sees you being strong, God sees deep in you and he holds you. Sometimes I wanted a vacation from life. And I was reminded a vacation from life means death, and if I died without God finishing then I failed him and that was a big NO. So I pushed forward. October 3, 2012 I was weak. Then series of events showed me just how strong God is in me. The balance on my car was a mere $5,000 I had paid the car down to the last bit it might seem to some, but I didn’t have it. So when you don’t have it even when the balance is $10.00 it’s a lot of money. I let out a sigh of relief that my family didn’t understand. Why I would choose to let my car go, something I needed to get around, something I needed to get freedom. But they didn’t know it was suffocating me for two years and in financial bondage
When I called to get the details of the auction and what it would cost. God met me on the other line. As the lady began to explain to me, I knew that the car that had been holding me was now releasing me. That the car was purchased for far more than what I owed and that I; yes I would receive a check for the balance over paid. I cried as she spoke. And she apologized to me, she said it happened while she was away that she knew I just needed more time but it was out of her hands when they took the car. I told her it was okay all is done now. She sent me an email telling me the balance that I was to receive. So I did the math. My balance was a little over $5,000 after fees and charges; I was to receive over $3,000 from the sale of the car. When God first told me to let go of the car, the balance was a little over $8,000. But I made payments and it came down to $5,000. God returned to me what I had paid when I should have let the car go. A couple weeks later I would receive a promotion and a raise and full benefits. And I cried at just how strong God was in me.
I never let my tongue say an ill word; I never let my flesh rule my emotions. I was weak, very much so, but I remained strong because for two years, I praised, I prayed, I sang. For two years I made sure God stayed strong in me even when I was a mess. Being strong means to me, when you are at your lowest, when the hole is so black that you can’t see in front of you, that your soul is so desperate you smile, you pray, you laugh; you keep the physical man in check when the spiritual man is at work building you up.
Being strong is letting God be strong in you.